Happy New Year, Nancy Grace!

Things are starting to look promising as this year (finally) ends.

Sorry to Disappoint, But I'm Not Dead

Or, as Sugar suggests, in the Witness Anonymous Sex Program. I
"just" returned from my Annual Christmas Trip to Florida. Florida was warm. And bright. And very, very lazy.

To clarify, I was only in Central Florida on this visit but, really, that was enough. Orlando is Satan's great gift to humanity, and no explanation of that statement should be needed.

One might think -- based on the propaganda in The Orlando Sentinel --that Orlando has really "arrived"... that the citrus sweat pit has become a charming, cultured metropolis. Dream on. 'Growth' in Orlando has brought only more of the same: endless developments composed of cement-box houses and "Cracker Barrel" outposts.

For curiosity's sake, I ate at "The Cracker Barrel." The place is a total racket. You're forced to wait 15 minutes for your table -- time enough to mill and mull through rows of cutsie-wootsie brick-a-brack (and make a purchase!). You are then seated next to dozens of empty tables, and 95 seconds after ordering, your food arrives. I decided my BBQ Pork was inedible or, rather, less edible than a can of Vienna Sausages, and sent it back. The waitress look baffled. Clearly, no one had never dared to send back an order of Cracker Barrel BBQ Pork on her shift.

An old friend used to joke that Orlando is the only city that begins and ends in zeros. I'm happy to report that nothing has changed.

In the coming days, I'll compose some sort of "Best Of" list. That is what you folks live for this time of year, isn't it?

Nomination for Worst Person of 2006

She wins the Grand Prize hooves down. You've finally "done it," Nancy Grace.

Offer Still Stands

[UPDATE: It seems the original video of Billy Idol singing 'White Christmas' has been removed from YouTube (a tragedy!). I've substituted it for the next-best thing: Billy singing 'Jingle Bell Rock.']

Three weeks ago I offered five-whole-dollars to anyone who makes it through the entire video on the right without so much as cracking a smile, chuckle or incipient guffaw. No one has -- as of yet -- won this ultimate Fear Factor challenge (I know at least four of you tried). I want to give -- as a Christmas gift from me to you -- the grand prize of five-whole-dollars (!!!)

Give it a whirl. Can you make it through Billy Idol's yule-inspired attempt at resuscitating his flaccid career? Do you have what it takes to be this year's Grand Prize Winner (?????)

PS- I need a YouTube or sworn statements from you and a witness to authenticate your claim to the five-whole-dollars (!!!) Good luck.

'War on Christmas' Brings Big Bucks to Christian Right

Regardless of your religious and/or holiday affections, it's nearly impossible to avoid contact with the 'War on Christmas' these days. News reports and chit chat shows are filled with tales of giant Menorahs and disenfranchised Rabbis. Boos to 'Holidays!' Boos to 'Xmas!' Boos to everyone!

But if Christmas is under attack by some groups and individuals, counter attacks defending Baby Jesus' B-day have become profitable for other groups and individuals, namely the religious right. Far Right advocacy groups are making millions this year by selling a Santa's sleigh of trinkets with messages such as "Merry Christmas: It's Worth Saying." The same groups, not incidentally, have launched massive legal and consumer counter-assaults aimed at helping Christmas win its "war."

Critics say the groups raking in massive profits from the 'War on Christmas' -- including those affiliated with Jerry Falwell and James Dobson -- are enacting a scam to raise money and recruit new members.

From BeliefNet:

The Mississippi-based American Family Association says it has sold more than 500,000 buttons and 125,000 bumper stickers bearing the slogan "Merry Christmas: It's Worth Saying." The Alliance Defense Fund, a Christian legal aid group that boasts a network of some 900 lawyers standing ready to "defend Christmas," says it has moved about 20,000 "Christmas packs." The packs, available for a suggested $29 donation, include a three-page legal memo and two lapel pins.

And Liberty Counsel, a conservative law firm affiliated with the Rev. Jerry Falwell, says it has sold 12,500 legal memos on celebrating Christmas and 8,000 of its own buttons and bumper stickers. Leaders say demand for the goods -- which are pitched online and through e-mail to supporters -- is driven by what they view as a coordinated effort to secularize Christmas.

Alliance Defense Fund, American Family Association, James Dobson's Colorado-based Focus on the Family, and Concerned Women for America have banded together for a 2006 Christmas Project. Chief on its agenda is a list of "nice" retailers that use the word "Christmas" in their stores and catalogues and "naughty" ones that do not....

Because public debates over decorations and celebrations attract media attention, Christmas is a good time for Christian advocacy groups to attract potential supporters, said Anita Staver, president of Liberty Counsel. "When its an issue affecting Christmas people will sit up and take notice," Staver said. "Then they may look at the other issues we're involved in," including church-state disputes, gay marriage and abortion.

Critics, however, say the advocacy groups are profiting from a divisive and unnecessary brouhaha. "It's just a fund-raising scam," said the Rev. Barry Lynn, executive director of Americans United for the Separation of Church and State. "And it's a scam in the worst sense -- it's fighting something that doesn't even exist.".....

By its own accounts, 2006 has been a very good year for the American Family Association. Through mass e-mails and other forms of public pressure, the Mississippi group says, it "forced Wal-mart ... to stop donations to homosexual groups." AFA also says it convinced the television network NBC to pull "the anti-Christian program `The Book of Daniel"' and cut a scene from a televised concert in which pop star Madonna sings from a crucifix.

Spammer of the Year: Jonathan R. Rees

Jonathan R. Rees, the anti-gay, anti-"trashy-white-people", anti-Fenty, anti-human-race, DC Council candidate who gathered less than 30 votes in last fall's election, can now be found among the "cock enhancements" and reduced mortgage rates. Or his emails, tucked inside my Gmail Spam Folder, can at least.

I guess my complaint to Verizon didn't accomplish much.

Worst Christmas Gift Ever

These "Precious Moments" things could only live up to their name(s) if they came with a hammer and a vacuum strong enough to pick up shattered pieces of "cute".

Is Blogging Past Its Prime?

I crouched through an overpriced "Webinar" earlier this week (don't worry, I didn't pay for it). At the end of the "Webinar," one of the talking PowerPoint sides said: "According to Steve Rubell, blogging has already peaked...." The statement tickled my pickle because: a) I slop together a few sentences every day in the semblance of what some might call a "blog." b) The last time I checked, Steve Rubell was the founder of Studio 54 -- and DEAD (since '89!).

Last month in Salt Lake City, Sugar and I suffered through a boring presentation by a slovenly (and far-right!) blogger who said that blogging is "past its prime." "There is very little chance that another successful blog will be launched," the slovenly (and far-right!) blogger said.

I dismissed the comments at the time, preferring to slip notes to Sugar about how the slovenly (and far-right!) blogger's breath smelled like he'd just inhaled three dead squirrels. But now, after hearing the same from a founding -- and DEAD! -- Studio 54 partner, I'm pausing the Billy Idol Christmas CD. When Steve Rubell speaks, you'd better sit up and take note!

Is blogging past it's prime? Is it truly over for those of us expecting to retire off our Google Ads? Will I ever find a publisher for my yet-to-be-written semi-biographical, semi-sensational Roman à clef, "Slap That Bitch!"???? Or is blogging, like other means of communicating, going through an evolution.... struggling to reach another phase of maturation? And finally, who the hell is this Steve Rubell and why does he look so much like Mike Myers?

Read this TechNewsWorld article on the possible decline of blogging:

Blogging has taken the Internet by storm over the past few years as part of the social networking phenomenon, but Gartner (NYSE: IT) analysts predict that the number of community contributors will peak in the first half of 2007. Less than 2 percent of all Internet users are frequent content contributors, according to Gartner. Between 10 and 15 percent contribute occasionally, while more than 50 percent are reading or watching what the communities are discussing.

"Given the trend in the average life span of a blogger and the current growth rate of blogs, there are already more than 200 million ex-bloggers. Consequently, the peak number of bloggers will be around 100 million at some point in the first half of 2007," Gartner said it its report.

There has been a slowdown in the growth of the blogging population, Technorati's Dave Sifry's October "State of the Blogosphere" report reveals. However, Sifry pointed to a decline in the number of spam blogs, or "splogs." Technorati tracked 100,000 new blogs indexed daily in the third quarter. While that number is down from a peak of 160,000 in June 2006, the difference may or may not relate to lackluster blog growth, the firm said.Taking into account improvements in dealing with spam, Sifry wrote in his October report, it's likely that the blogosphere is growing at a steady, though slower, pace -- at least, that's his "gut feeling."

With yet more data that confirms Gartner's predictions, however, Technorati shows a leveling off of total posting volume in the blogosphere, with about 1.3 million postings per day in the third quarter. That's a little slower than what the firm reported in the second quarter, but still about double the volume of the year-ago period.

"The number of people who thought they could just start blogging and suddenly become rich and famous as a result has peaked, because that's not how it works," B.L. Ochman, avid blogger and president of WhatsNextOnline, told TechNewsWorld. "But the blog as a form of communication is here to stay."

Despite this apparent leveling off, bloggers are earning a voice in the mainstream media. The November elections saw major networks reporting on what bloggers were saying about the election results, and many newspapers have added blogs to their sites, adding credibility to a medium that has been widely adopted by young people on social networks.

There are some established bloggers who have built a following, but there are many others who abandon blogging after two weeks. This latter group can hardly be defined as bloggers, Ochman said. "There has to be some standard for what constitutes a measurable blog. Someone has to blog on a regular basis before they can be considered a regular blogger," she explained. "Someone who stopped posting on their blog for two weeks was somebody who never got into it and didn't become well-versed in using the tools. Blogging is a labor of love."

More Ugly Cats

Speaking of cats, have you checked out the website catsthatlooklikehitler.com?

The site, which features dozens of "Kitlers," asks: "Does your cat look like Adolf Hitler? Do you wake up in a cold sweat every night wondering if he's going to up and invade Poland? Does he keep putting his right paw in the air while making a noise that sounds suspiciously like 'Sieg Miaow'? If so, this is the website for you."

Check it out.

Delay: Hillary to Be Prez & Obama VP

I've been tied up lately with pretending to shop at Nordstrom, dreaming Nicoderm-fueled cinematic-grade nightmares, and calculating ways to minimize holiday contact with annoying relatives.

Obviously, you have been/are assuming that I've got a backlog of junk to post, right? You're still with me, right? You haven't abandoned me, right?

OK.... I have a lot of stuff I've been thinking about posting, and I may actually post some of it. Hopefully, you've been as busy pretending to be busy as yours truly and all is forgiven or will soon be forgiven.

Here's a little bit of news about everyone's favorite disgraced former Congressman, Tom Delay. Delay met with a bunch of right wingers this week to promote his new blog. At the meeting, he predicted Hillary Clinton will be the next President. He also said Barack Obama will be VP, and he warned about the vast left-wing conspiracy thing.

From Human Events, which -- hold your hats -- is offering a free copy of Ann Coulter's Godless with each paid subscription! YES!!!!!!:

It’s this liberal coalition, working in concert with the news media, that will propel Clinton to the White House in 2008, DeLay said. “Hillary will be the next president of the United States because they have built a coalition,” he said.

DeLay also implored conservatives to start digging into Obama’s past. He said Obama’s record in the Illinois Senate was on par with a “Marxist leftist.” Citing defeated U.S. Senate candidate Harold Ford of Tennessee, DeLay said Obama was attempting to disguise his liberal views. (Read Amanda Carpenter’s report on Obama and his conflicting rhetoric.)

DeLay named Clinton loyalists Harold Ickes, Sidney Blumenthal, James Carville, Paul Begala and Joe Lockhart as the masterminds behind the left-wing coalition. He said that these groups, more than anything else, contributed to the GOP’s fall this November. “I have never seen a more powerful coalition,” he said.

Typical Nancy Grace Madness

Lawsuit. Another lawsuit. Missing kid. One more lawsuit. "Case of baby whose toes gnawed off." Did you expect something different? (Click photo to enlarge.)

Next Year's Christmas Card

This kitty reminds me of a co-worker and, possibly, Newt Gingrich.

But, then again, all cats look like cranky old Republicans to a dog-lover like yours truly.

Falwell Helps Virginia Pagans

Everyone's favorite fat piece of poop hypocrite, Jerry Falwell, has inadvertently helped Virginia Pagans. Thanks to Jerry "Fat Pig" Falwell, a group of Pagans in Albermarle County, VA, were able to advertise their holiday (with Pagan Yule ritual!) celebration.

Predictably, Falwell's radical right pals are using the Pagans' actions to issue another Fatwa for homeschooling.

A group of Pagans in Albemarle County, Va., was recently given permission to advertise their multi-cultural holiday program to public school children – and they have the Rev. Jerry Falwell to thank for it.

The dispute started last summer when Gabriel and Joshua Rakoski, twins who attend Hollymead Elementary School, sought permission to distribute fliers about their church’s Vacation Bible School to their peers via “backpack mail.” Many public schools use special folders placed in student backpacks to distribute notices about schools events and sometimes extra-curricular activities to parents.

School officials originally denied the request from the twins’ father, Ray Rakoski, citing a school policy barring “distribution of literature that is for partisan, sectarian, religious or political purposes.”

A Charlottesville weekly newspaper, The Hook, reports that Rakoski “sicced the Liberty Counsel on the county,” and the policy was soon revised to allow religious groups to use the backpack mail system. Liberty Counsel is a Religious Right legal group founded by Mathew Staver and now affiliated with Falwell.

Some local Pagans who attend Thomas Jefferson Memorial Church, a Unitarian-Universalist congregation in Charlottesville, decided to take advantage of the new forum as well. They created a one-page flier advertising a Dec. 9 event celebrating the December holidays with a Pagan twist and used the backpack system to invite the entire school community.

“Have you ever wondered what ‘Holidays’ refers to?” reads the flier. “Everyone knows about Christmas – but what else are people celebrating in December? Why do we celebrate the way we do?”

The flier invites people to “an educational program for children of all ages (and their adults), where we’ll explore the traditions of December and their origins, followed by a Pagan ritual to celebrate Yule.”

It concludes, “Come for one or both parts and bring your curiosity.”

Many members of this congregation are strong supporters of church-state separation who don’t believe public schools should promote any religion. But they were also unwilling to cede the field to Falwell and his fundamentalist allies. Falwell opened the backpack forum, and the Pagans were determined to secure equal time.

Suddenly not everyone was pleased by the open forum. Jeff Riddle, pastor of Jefferson Park Baptist Church in Charlottesville, wrote on his personal blog, “If the school allows the Baptist or Methodist church to send home a note to its students about Vacation Bible School, it also has to allow the Unitarian Church to send home a note about its ‘Pagan ritual to celebrate Yule’….This kind of note adds weight to the argument that it is high time for Christians to leave public schools for reasonable alternatives (homeschooling and private Christian schools)." [AU.org]

Whoops, There Goes My Tooth!

I've been amazingly incredibly busy this week -- as I'm sure you have. So that you don't think I've abandoned you (Sugar), here's a quick story about a leading British politician who's false tooth recently flew from his mouth during a major speech.

John Prescott, Deputy British PM, lost one of his falsies during a conference in Portugal!

EMBARRASSED politicians watched in amazement as John Prescott’s false tooth flew out during a major speech.

European and US big-wigs stifled laughs as the Deputy PM spluttered: “My tooth!” Two Jags then struggled to finish his speech — minus one of his front gnashers.

The farce began when Prezza turned up at the Party of European Socialists conference in Portugal. He was told he would have only five minutes to deliver his address on climate change. Prescott — who famously garbles his words — had planned to speak for TWICE as long. Instead of shortening the speech, he decided to rush through it at double speed. The translators in the hall in Porto last Thursday struggled to keep up with his scattergun delivery.

But then disaster struck. He suddenly stopped and muttered: “My tooth!” It had been spat out in front of him. No one knew where to look — but many tried not to laugh as he attempted to carry on.

Eventually he sat down to applause from the audience. Last night his office confirmed the incident and pointed out that he has been having trouble after some recent bridgework. [The Sun]

Hersh: 'Never an American Army As Violent & Murderous As the One in Iraq'

Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist Seymour Hersh, who last summer wrote in The New Yorker about a US role in Israel's bombing of Lebanon, has again condemned President Bush and the US military. Speaking to an audience in Montreal last week, Hersh stated that US soldiers in Iraq are the most violent and murderous to ever fight in our military.

Hersh told the audience about a video from Iraq he recently viewed. According to Hersh, the video shows US soldiers massacring a group of soccer-playing Iraqis.

“Three U.S. armed vehicles, eight soldiers in each, are driving through a village, passing candy out to kids,” he began. “Suddenly the first vehicle explodes, and there are soldiers screaming. Sixteen soldiers come out of the other vehicles, and they do what they’re told to do, which is look for running people.”

“Never mind that the bomb was detonated by remote control,” Hersh continued. “[The soldiers] open up fire; [the] cameras show it was a soccer game.”

“About ten minutes later, [the soldiers] begin dragging bodies together, and they drop weapons there. It was reported as 20 or 30 insurgents killed that day,” he said.

If Americans knew the full extent of U.S. criminal conduct, they would receive returning Iraqi veterans as they did Vietnam veterans, Hersh said.

“In Vietnam, our soldiers came back and they were reviled as baby killers, in shame and humiliation,” he said. “It isn’t happening now, but I will tell you – there has never been an [American] army as violent and murderous as our army has been in Iraq.”....

Throughout his talk Hersh remained pessimistic, predicting that the U.S. will initiate an attack against Iran, and that the situation in Iraq will deteriorate further. “There’s no reason to see a change in policy about Iraq. [Bush] thinks that, in twenty years, he’s going to be recognized for the leader he was – the analogy he uses is Churchill,” Hersh said. “If you read the public statements of the leadership, they’re so confident and so calm…. It’s pretty scary.” [McGill Daily]

Thanks, I Guess....

I received the below email earlier today. I'm not sure how I'll respond -- I was, as you must not know, once a star lip syncer in a church youth musical. Still, I can't but wonder if they've ever actually read this blog.

We recently came across your site, circumlocutor.blogspot.com, while searching for fellow christian bloggers.

A small group of us have started a new site called Christian Bloggers. Our prayer and intent is to bring Christians closer together, and make a positive contribution to the Internet community. While many of us have different "theologies", we all share one true saviour.

Would you be interested in joining Christian Bloggers? Please take a few minutes to have a look at what we are trying to do, and if you are interested, there is a sign up page to get the ball rolling. We would greatly appreciate your support in this endeavour.

May God Bless you and your blogging efforts. We look forward to hearing from you.

Craig Cantin
Christian Bloggers
info@christian-bloggers.com

Rosie Speaks 'Ching Chong': The Remix

What Nicole Richie Needs Is a Good-Old Fashioned Sit-Down With "Mom"....

Iraq Study & 'Don't Ask Don't Tell'

The Iraq Study Group's report that there are too few Arabic translators in the military presents yet another opportunity to call for the end of 'Don't Ask Don't Tell.'

Following the Iraq Study Group's December 6 release of its findings and solutions to the nation and world, the US organisation Servicemembers Legal Defense Network is calling on White House officials to reconsider the support for the military's ban.

In a press release, the SLDN cites a study by the Government Accountability Office that claims approximately 300 language experts, with more than 50 speaking Arabic, were fired under the "don't ask, don't tell" ban on LGBT servicemembers.

The Iraq Study Group's report stated that the Pentagon and CIA each have an insufficient amount of people with language skills to operate effectively in Iraq, which has hampered intelligence gathering.

"As our commander-in-chief, President Bush should be alarmed by the effect this law has on our military readiness," the group's executive director, C Dixon Osburn, said. "The White House must put the success of our military operations ahead of federal bigotry and work with Congress to dismantle the military's ban."

The Williams Institute at UCLA School of Law has reported they estimate that at least 41,000 gays would sign up for duty if the ban were lifted. [Gay UK]

Fat Pig in a Papasan Chair on Aisle 12

Earlier today I made my annual trip to the Evil Empire. After leaving the Alexandria shitbox known as "Wal-Mart," I felt dirty, aggravated and inefficient. Two hours later, after seeing several of the items I bought available at Giant for the same price, I felt stupid.

What, exactly, is the appeal of Wal-Mart? Besides bullets, fishing poles and a few other items (like, say, Mary Kate & Ashley halter tops), I've never found the Evil Empire's prices to be notably cheaper than its competitors. The stores are always disheveled. Employees are clueless and lazy (during last year's trip I had to beg for help an employee whose lard ass was attached to a Papasan chair). Merchandise is rarely priced correctly (a remote control tank had a "fresh cherries" tag under it today). And, generally speaking, the place has the visual appeal of church yard sale.

This has been a crummy year for the Evil Empire. Controversy, scandal and enough bad PR to fill the parking lot of one of its "Super Centers" have defined Wal-Mart in 2006. Now some say Wal-Mart may have a less-than-amazing Christmas.

It's about time. If we could only be so lucky as to witness the undoing of the retail behemoth -- the whale that both disgusts us but continues to tempt us into dank decay and total bedlam with "Everyday Low Prices." We sell our souls and abandon our standards in the hopes of saving five cents per roll of toilet paper, which, as I noted earlier, we might not actually save.

Death of a Dictator

The quintessential "U.S.-Puppet Dictator" has bitten the dust. Forgive me for not crying for General Augusto Pinochet.

Pinochet was famous for the brutal way in which he seized power in the 1973 military coup that overturned the elected president, Salvador Allende.

More than 3,000 of Allende's supporters were killed by the secret police — "the disappeared," to use the phrase coined by the Pinochet regime.

A further 30,000 were tortured and perhaps 200,000 fled the country as the general became an international symbol of oppression.

Although among his staunch supporters he will always be revered as "the dictator who went quietly" — in 1988, the general called presidential elections and, when he lost, stood down — he did so with tens of millions of dollars of his country's wealth salted in secret offshore accounts. [This Is London]

No Catfight in the Mud?

Horror of horrors! Three guests arrived at Laura Bush's pre-Kennedy Center honors White House party wearing the same dress as the First Lady!

Wearing the exact same $8,500 (£4,300) costume as two others smacks of carelessness - at least possibly on the part of the suppliers of the “exclusive” garb.

So how much of a fashion faux pas is it when three guests arrive in identical gowns, and then discover their host is wearing exactly the same number? A pretty large one, it would seem.

Luckily the hostess in question, Laura Bush, the first lady, had an extensive wardrobe at her disposal and was able to discreetly nip away to change.

The venue for the designer pile-up was Sunday’s star-studded Kennedy Centre Honours hosted by Mrs Bush and her husband, President George W Bush.

Glamorous guests included Dolly Parton, Steven Spielberg, George Lucas, Reese Witherspoon, Aretha Franklin, Tom Hanks, Joan Collins and Andrew Lloyd Webber. Footage of the arrivals showed three guests in the same red Oscar de la Renta embroidered tulle jacket and floor-length trumpet skirt from the designer’s autumn 2006 collection. It was also the outfit Mrs Bush had selected....

The incident will not be immediately forgotten as Mrs Bush is also wearing the gown in this year’s official presidential Christmas photograph. [Telegraph]

Mmmm, Nicotine Water, I Love You

If you soon plan to join C-Lo and quit smoking, there's another nicotine-replacement option out there: Nic Lite bottled water.

Some egghead in a lab decided that what the tobacco-fiends of the world really want is to drink their cigarettes. Now, for $21.95 per six-pack, you can sip from a liquid ashtray. Luckily (lest I not be tempted to taste 'Nic Light'), I've already started and am hooked on 'the patch.'

From an article on nicotine water:

Knight took a tobacco leaf and stripped it of everything harmful, reducing the nicotine molecule until every cancer-causing chemical had been removed. After dropping the molecule in a bottle of purified water, Knight believed he had a product that could change the world for smokers.

NicLite water has only 4 milligrams of nicotine in each bottle-enough to trigger dopamine, the feel-good chemical that goes to the brain, but broken down enough to be safe and lacking any of the 4,000 cancer-causing chemicals released when a cigarette is burned.

"When a smoker wants a cigarette, they drink some water," said Martin Simon, Knight's business partner. "And the digestive system breaks it down enough to where it's not addictive. For three to five hours, they don't want to smoke a cigarette.".....

One of the most important goals for Simon and Knight is changing the stigma associated with nicotine. "There is nicotine in eggplant, peppers, dark teas," Simon said. "Nicotine doesn't cause cancer- a lot of people think it does."

Sorry, Mumbai

I hate to be the bearer of bad news related to other men's penises, but, a tipster just tipsterred me on this, and since it's on BBC...

It seems there's a problem with condoms not fitting properly on Indian men. Normal international-standard-sized condoms are too big for a majority of India's male population. This is a serious problem because India already has the largest number of HIV infections of any nation.

According to BBC:

A survey of more than 1,000 men in India has concluded that condoms made according to international sizes are too large for a majority of Indian men. The study found that more than half of the men measured had penises that were shorter than international standards for condoms. It has led to a call for condoms to be provided in smaller sizes designed for Indian men.

The two-year study was carried out by the Indian Council of Medical Research. Over 1,200 volunteers from the length and breadth of the country had their penises measured precisely, down to the last millimetre. The scientists even checked their sample was representative of India as a whole in terms of class, religion and urban and rural dwellers.

The conclusion of all this scientific endeavour is that about 60% of Indian men have penises which are between three and five centimetres shorter than international standards used in condom manufacture.

Doctor Chander Puri, a specialist in reproductive health at the Indian Council of Medical Research, told the BBC there was an obvious need in India for custom-made condoms, as most of those currently on sale are too large. The issue is serious because about one in every five times a condom is used in India it either falls off or tears, an extremely high failure rate. And the country already has the highest number of HIV infections of any nation.

Mr Puri said that since Indians would be embarrassed about going to a chemist to ask for smaller condoms there should be vending machines dispensing different sizes all around the country. "Smaller condoms are on sale in India. But there is a lack of awareness that different sizes are available. There is anxiety talking about the issue. And normally one feels shy to go to a chemist's shop and ask for a smaller size condom."

I Don't Hate Lesbians

Just so that you know and so that you can never say that I didn't say so, I love lesbians. Really, I think they're great.

I applaud Mary Cheney's decision to have a baby. If I had a uterus, I'd do the same. I'd ask Jeb Bush for a semen sample and inseminate myself with it. Seriously.

And, yes, to some people lesbians are funny -- especially Republican lesbians. Don't ask me why..... OK, do ask me. It's Dick, her hair, her hair and Dick that make Mary so knee-slappingly hilarious.

But more than anything, I feel sorry for Mary Cheney. Hereditary fate dealt Mary a hand almost anyone would dread -- she's both gay and the daughter of Dick. This is a difficult "situation" for Mary but even more difficult for her baby.

As the daughter of Dick, Mary grew up with every privilege in the world. As the child of Mary, her kid will be born to a society that -- thanks in part to grandfather Dick -- refuses to give his or her mommies fundamental rights. And, that, my lesbian and non-lesbian friends, is just sad.

Next Generation of Incompetence Defends "Uncle W"

As if the world was dangling by a hangnail for his opinion, the next generation of Bush to wreak havoc on America the world says he supports Uncle President's buffoonery.

George P. Bush, whom one of my B.F.F.'s dated in high school and said is a "totally boring baby," defended Uncle President's immigration policies. George P. insists Uncle President's guest worker program is not amnesty!

Texas Republicans don't seemed entirely convinced about Uncle President's guest worker plan, saying they are disappointed with Uncle President. One Republican activist stood up at the meeting and told George P.: "I did not vote for a president and vice president who look the other way on illegal immigration." George P. was likely unaffected by the speaker's comments.

Following the event, at which George P. confessed that Grandfather President is his hero, George P. returned to work as vice president of a "real estate investment company" in Dallas.

---Next-generation Bush defends uncle

Conservatives Attack 'Proud Mary' Cheney

As expected, conservatives have begun attacking Mary Cheney following her lesbian pregnancy announcement.

Jennifer Chrisler, executive director of Family Pride, which advocates on behalf of gay and lesbian families, said the couple's child will never have the same protections that children born to heterosexual couples enjoy.

"Grandfather Cheney will no doubt face a lifetime of sleepless nights as he reflects on the irreparable harm he and his administration have done to the millions of American gay and lesbian parents and their children," she said.

Janice Crouse of Concerned Women for America described the pregnancy as unconscionable. "It's very disappointing that a celebrity couple like this would deliberately bring into the world a child that will never have a father," said Crouse, a senior fellow at the group's think tank. [Chron]

Similar nonsense is belched by Janet Hall Crouse in her Townhall column today. Crouse insinuates that Mary's child will likely become a drug addict.

Mary Cheney’s action sets an example that is detrimental for mothers with less financial resources who will start down an irrevocable path into poverty that tends to be generational –– children in households without a father tend to themselves have unwed births later in life. Experts from both the left and the right cite a disastrous litany of negative outcomes that are predictable when a child grows up in a fatherless family. Such children tend to get involved in drugs, alcohol abuse, and delinquency; they tend to drop out of school and have teen pregnancies. An assistant principal in a Junior High School said that many of the behavioral problems that teachers face in the classroom stem from households without a father’s influence.

Mary’s pregnancy is an “in-your-face” action countering the Bush Administration’s pro-family, pro-marriage and pro-life policies. She continues to repudiate the work to which her father has devoted his life. Mary has repeatedly said that “studies” show that children only need a loving home. Her statement is incomplete because the experts agree that for the well-being of children, they desperately need a married father and a mother.

Brit-Poo to Buy Panties!

Lock the doors. Board the windows. Re-charge the tasers. America's number one slut (sorry, Charo!) says her recent panty-less partying was just the beginning of the beginning (albeit, the beginning of the middle of the panty-less part).

Britney Spears, in a message left on her website, warned the world that she's just warming up as a party animal.

In a message to fans on her website, the pop-princess declared: 'It's been so long since I've been out on the town with friends. It's been two years since I've even celebrated my birthday. Every move I make at this point has been magnified, and I probably did take my new found freedom a little too far.'

Last Saturday she was pictured celebrating her 25th birthday with celebrities including Paris Hilton and Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas and her antics aroused criticism from former hell-raisers such as Courtney Love and Lindsay Lohan but Spears doesn't seem to care.

She wrote to fans: 'I look forward to a new year, new music and a new me. I'm just getting started.'

However her days of pantyless appearances could thankfully be set to end after she declared her love for saucy underwear line Victoria's Secret's. She joked: 'Thank God for Victoria's Secret's new underwear line!' [Metro UK]

R.I.P.: Fashion House

My relationship with the telenovela or, rather, the American bastardization thereof is officially O-V-E-R. (Ugly Betty doesn't count as it airs only once a week and will probably stay on the air for years and not weeks.) Thirteen weeks of my life are now gone. 65 hours (not including Saturday recap shows) have vanished. That's 2,100 times I could have flushed the toilet. 935 I might have thought about calling my grandparents in Florida. Gone.

And for what? To see Constance Carlye from Flamingo Road throw wedding cake at Jenny Hanley from 10? To watch acting that, each week, got more hysterically wrong and writing that, each episode, became more predictably dreadful? To sit through flamboyant product placements for Maybelline and dumbfounding references to L.A. as "the fashion capital of the world?" To realize that staring at plastic patio furniture is more entertaining than watching anything on MyNetwork TV.

But now it's all gone -- Morgan Fairchild, Bo Derek, Maybelline, the bucktoothed himbo, the Norwegian supermodel & the skinny-legged boy toy. Gone. Gone. Gone. And gone. And still gone.

What's amazing is not that I began watching this hollow donut of polly-fill poop but that I continued watching it until the very end. Sadly, idiotically, I waited and hoped for things to improve. It had to. It couldn't get any worse. But it did. And suddenly I feel -- for a tiny second -- what it must be like to be a supporter of President Bush, to exist in a fool's paradise of broken wishes and sidestreet dreams. Shamed.

Whacko Bugs Tony Snow About Episcopals & Gays

At a recent press conference, someone asked White House Press Secretary Tony Snow about President Bush's stance on the Episcopalian debate over homosexuality. The President has visited at St. John's Episcopal in Lafayette Square and this, apparently, validates his opinion on all religious matters. (BTW, Bush is/was supposedly a Methodist.)

The question was asked by Les Kinsolving, the White House "correspondent" for World Net Daily (the new Talon News???). Kinsolving asked Snow: "Since the president is known to be deeply concerned about religion, and he worships regularly at St. John's Episcopal Church, Lafayette Square, does that parish agree with his support of marriage as one man, one woman, or do they support the Episcopal sodomist marriage movement, which was on page one of The Washington Post?"

Snow didn't take the bait. ""Now you're trying to get the president into ecclesiastical disputes. You stated a position. Is that what they call it?..... Much to the disappointment of your listeners, I am not going to play on that one."

The "reporter" tried the lame question again and was, again, rebuffed by Snow. Snow called the question "unworthy."

---Snow avoids 'ecclesiastical' position on Episcopal 'gays'

Polonium, the Restaurant

In case you missed this one.... a restaurant in Sheffield, England, "Polonium" finds its business booming after a nuclear treat by the same name killed an ex-KGB spy. Those crazy Brits!

No word yet if sushi is being added to the restaurant's menu.

The story, which was revealed exclusively in The Star's Diary, has sparked a 50 per cent increase in trade at the Abbeydale Road restaurant and made owner Boguslaw Sidorowicz an overnight celebrity.

"It's all a massive shock!" said 46-year-old Boguslaw, who first used the name Polonium for a band he formed over 20 years ago. "I always knew Polonium was the name of a radioactive substance. The drummer in our band all those years ago was a chemistry student at Sheffield University and told me that. But I just liked the name. It sounds good and gave the band - and now the restaurant - an international feel."

His eaterie now also has an international reputation as newspapers around the world have been following up the tale of the suddenly notorious name and its Sheffield connection.

The Sydney Morning Herald reported: "The Polonium Restaurant in Sheffield, 260 km north of London, has had to order extra deliveries and turn people away since the spy story broke."

And, of course, the effect has been particularly strong in Poland. "Polish TV and newspapers want to fly me and my wife Jolanta out there for interviews," laughed Boguslaw. "The story has really caught people's imagination. It's unfortunate because someone has died, but the story has made it a very interesting week for us.

"For years people have been asking me what the name means and I keep explaining. Now I don't have to." [Sheffield Today]

The Patch

I'm sorry if my bloggage has been more sporadic and less fulfilling than usual (if it's possible to be less fulfilling than usual). Writing the gems of nothingness that you avidly avoid reading used to be one of my favorite opportunities to smoke cigs, and now, as I enter day six on "the patch," it's hard for me to sit here without striking up and burning one.

Clearly I've got to do something... like move my workspace to the other side of the room or find a replacement addiction such as Oxycontin-laced Pink Ladies. Someone, presumably one of the three of you who read this blog, sent me an email recommending I buy licorice root and pretend it's a cigarette. Thanks for the tip. Until I get to a health food store, I've been filling the void by drinking hot toddies and slapping my CVS-brand nicotine patch, which is today conveniently located on my left upper arm.

Besides the obvious health and social benefits of not smoking, I find it somewhat liberating to not have my day dictated by when and where I will have my next ciggie. It sort of like when you realize that your car can and will run perfectly fine without motor oil, until the engine blows up on the side of a major freeway, and, while it's "emancipating" to not have to worry about that hunk of junk any longer, you still have to figure out a way to get home.

And that's my excuse -- for this week at least -- for posting rubbish that even I find only marginally interesting and/or relevant. Next week I'll think up something better or perhaps find myself depressed over the sudden death of a college professor who once stuck his Merlot-soaked tongue in my ear.

Britney Spears, Boozehound

After replenishing supplies essential for her patented child-rearing techniques, Britney Spears departs her "home away from home." A liquor store.

Woe be our little frozen broccoli spears.... whose 'I just swallowed three boxes of wines, and I'm headin' to my truck to mix Long Island Iced Teas' smile perfectly compliments her 'invite me to your bachelor's party -- please' lei. Not since the days of Tonya Harding have we seen a top-tier celeb melt-down so quickly and so close to our eyes.

No word on what crazy shenanigans Brit-Poo and her fellow Axis of Evil members -- Paris Hilton & Lindsay Lohan -- will stir up next. Actually, there may be "word," but I don't really read articles about "them"... I just rip off the pics and post them here, so go figure.

(Not) Famous Photo of the Week: (Not) LaToya Jackson

See other (not) famous photos:
(Not) Paris Hilton
(Not) Diana Ross
(Not) Donald Rumsfeld
(Not) Condi Rice
(Not) Angelina Jolie
(Not) Marisa Tomei
(Not) Jennifer Lopez
(Not) Tina Turner
(Not) Tara Reid
(Not) Diahann Carroll
(Not) Whoopi Goldberg
(Not) Rosie O' Donnell
(Not) Donna Summer
(Not) Brad Pitt
(Not) Shakira
(Not) Barbara Bush
(Not) Prince & (Not) Laura Bush
(Not) Margaret Thatcher & (Not) Cher(s)
(Not) Tina & (Not) Madonna

Lance Bass Now Single, Still Annoying

Surprise of surprises of surprises. Lance Bass and Reichen "I was once on a reality show and now I sell masturbation calendars" Lehmkuhl are no longer a couple! Jesus wept.

Reichen "I wrote a book that no one bought" Lehmkuhl clearly - must have - I'm sure - found another boy bander to help him pay off the mortgage on his pre-foreclosure home. Alas, former astronaut-in-training Bass will no longer be footing the bill.

Bass made an announcement about the break-up via his publicist today. Apparently, he hadn't told Lehmkuhl that the relationship was finito.

"According to Lance Bass' publicist, Cindy Owen, the couple has broken up. News of the announcement supposedly came as a surprise to Reichen, who was unaware that Bass issued a statement."

And the world mourned.

---Famous Gay Couple, Lance Bass and Reichen Lehmkuhl Split

The Torture of Jose Padilla

If you're interested in reading about the nullification of a human being, check out today's NY Times article on Jose Padilla.

Padilla, the only American citizen imprisoned as an "enemy combatant" -- without being charged with anything, was tortured by US military personnel. According to the NY Times, newly-released video, shows Padilla entering the inner-realms of living hell via the Naval Weapons Station in Charleston, SC.

From the NY Times article:

That day, Mr. Padilla, a Brooklyn-born Muslim convert whom the Bush administration had accused of plotting a dirty bomb attack and had detained without charges, got to go to the dentist.

“Today is May 21,” a naval official declared to a camera videotaping the event. “Right now we’re ready to do a root canal treatment on Jose Padilla, our enemy combatant.”

Several guards in camouflage and riot gear approached cell No. 103. They unlocked a rectangular panel at the bottom of the door and Mr. Padilla’s bare feet slid through, eerily disembodied. As one guard held down a foot with his black boot, the others shackled Mr. Padilla’s legs. Next, his hands emerged through another hole to be manacled.

Wordlessly, the guards, pushing into the cell, chained Mr. Padilla’s cuffed hands to a metal belt. Briefly, his expressionless eyes met the camera before he lowered his head submissively in expectation of what came next: noise-blocking headphones over his ears and blacked-out goggles over his eyes. Then the guards, whose faces were hidden behind plastic visors, marched their masked, clanking prisoner down the hall to his root canal.

Romney: 'Arrest the Illegals!'

Mitt Romney, the Great Mormon Hope and B.F.F.(E) of Jerry Falwell, has given word that Massachusetts State Troopers can and should arrest any "illegals" found in the state. And you wonder why this man, who believes Jesus once roamed America with fellow immigrants, is the darling of the Christian right?

Romney reached a deal with "federal authorities" that allows troopers to detain individuals they believe are illegal immigrants. If troopers, for example, stop a speeding car and suspect the driver is an "illegal," the driver will be arrested and then sent to god-knows-where.

Naturally, civil rights leaders are upset, saying more racial profiling is on the way.

"Now, if you look or sound like an immigrant and are pulled over for any type of minor infraction, you're going to be profiled; there's no way around that," Noorani said. "This will have an incredibly chilling effect on the relationship between all law enforcement -- whether it's Boston police or State Police -- and the immigrant community. Most people don't see the difference between a state trooper and a local officer. A cop is a cop."

State Senator Jarrett T. Barrios , a Cambridge Democrat who is cochairman of the Public Safety and Homeland Security Committee, predicted the plan would add millions to the costs to train troopers and to jail detainees. He said the deal seemed calculated to help Romney's presidential ambitions.

In June, when Romney announced he was seeking the deal, he said it would give the State Police a way of "finding and detaining illegal aliens in the ordinary course of business." [Boston Globe]

Never Cleaner

My house has never been cleaner. I've cleaned frantically, nervously all weekend. Sweeping, moping, scrubbing, scouring, vacuuming, dusting.... ugh. The house wasn't that dirty to begin with.... but I can't stop cleaning. I can't sit down for more than five minutes without feeling the urge to get up and clean. Fidget, fidget, twitch, twich.

I have not consumed crystal meth.... I am not expecting visitors..... I have, over the course of the last few days, been introduced to my new best friend: Nicoderm. That's right, yours truly was a smoker -- gasp! -- for the last few years. Sure, smoking was fun. And it made be beautiful. And cool. But, increasingly, I've felt like a real crackhead. Like a junky looking for a secret 'fix.'

Now I've replaced my cigs with 'the patch.' God, I wish I'd tried this patch thing years ago.... before I ever started smoking. It's great. I'm a euphoric space cadet -- fidgeting and cleaning -- and pressing my back against the wall to squeeze every drop of nicotine out of the patch. Mmmmmm, it's good.

Time to go vacuum the house again... and then I'll press my back against the wood floor to make sure the patch is working.

Brit-Poo's Invisible Panties Conquer World!

In Belgium, "Britney Without Panties":

From the German press, headline "Britney Spears Travelling Around Without Underwear":
From the Japanese press, "Britney Spears Keeps Her Beautiful Figure After Giving Birth":
More from the Japanese press:
In Turkey, "Britney Spears to Give Away Red Panties":

Rev. Al's Butterscotch Suit

Robin Givhan, the WaPo Pulitzer Prize-winning peach who recently critiqued Nancy Pelosi's Armani suit, has taken to appraising Rev. Al Sharpton's baggy, butterscotch get-up. Quicker than you can say "Tawana Brawley," Givhan quips bon mots about Rev. Al's recent attire such as: "The vest worn by Sharpton was reminiscent of old-fashioned decorum, leavened with a bit of swagger. It is both formal and fly."

Givhan offers a full critique of Rev. Al's appearance at a recent press conference, held with New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg and Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly after a man was shot dead -- by NYC police -- on his wedding day. On Rev. Al's hair: "Brushed back in its usual homage to James Brown." On the evolution of his style: "He no longer wears rap star track suits. And his signature hairdo lost much of its dramatic bouffant-icity during his 2004 presidential campaign."

Finally, if all the preceding text wasn't enough Rev. Al to last you through the weekend, Givhan analyzes the significance of the colors of his suits:

For his photo opportunity with the suits of City Hall, Sharpton dressed in the expected tailored attire, but he made sure that he would not be seen as part of the establishment. He was a little too flashy, a tad too loud. He positioned himself as a peacock of moral clarity.

Two days later, Sharpton accompanied the deceased bridegroom's fiancee to the scene of the shooting. He was dressed in a dark suit with subtle pinstripes. Certainly, it was a more somber occasion and his attire conveyed that. But Sharpton's dark jacket and pants also delivered the message that he was The Man in charge.

The difference between a dark suit and one the color of butterscotch has as much to do with formality and tradition as with rebellion. A man's dark suit is the surest way to convey propriety. It acknowledges the accepted code of conduct and gives a nod to the status quo. It can be a sign of appeasement or serve as bespoke camouflage. Wearing a dark suit doesn't mean that a man plans to kowtow to the establishment, but it suggests he plans on playing the social, economic or political game as it exists.

Sharpton's butterscotch-colored suit was almost a visual taunt, a signal to onlookers that his presence should not be construed as an indication that he has become part of the team -- despite the group portrait. He has agreed to play by the rules, but do not underestimate him as an adversary. [WaPo]

Nancy Grace: Take Brit's Baby Before She Microwaves It

It doesn't get any better than this, folks. The two greatest forces of evil known to the universe, Nancy Grace and Britney Spears, are on color-me-schlock collision course.

To your right is a quick clip of Nancy "Miss Piggy" Grace chitchatting with one of the hapless found-under-a-bridge bag ladies who play "experts" on her show. "Miss Piggy" Grace's guest aligns Britney Spears -- and Brit-Poo's love of partying without panties -- with a woman who microwaved her baby. "Ms. Piggy" Grace agrees, saying if she sees one more pic of Brit's invisible panties, she'll personally repossess Brit-Poo's baby.

I'm salivating over the long-shot possibility of Brit-Poo/Ms. Pig catfight. It'd be like a trailer park version of "Dynasty".... the two throwing globs of Velveeta Cheese and cans of Natural Light at each other before yanking at badly-bleached roots.

Fairfax County Ends Homeless Starvation Plan

Fairfax County has aborted its diabolical plot to starve homeless folks. The county had decided to deprive the homeless of BLTs, home-baked cookies and kitchen-made stews. In a turnaround by the county, it is legal again to feed cooked food to the homeless there. Someone, apparently, figured out that frozen hams and canned beans don't do much for people who have no kitchen in which to cook them.

Homeless shelters in Fairfax County are again allowed to serve home-made sandwiches, casseroles and other foods.

Board of Supervisors Chairman Gerald Connolly says he's asked county health officials to stop cracking down on a state rule that requires almost all food served to the public to be prepared in approved commercial kitchens.

Connolly says overzealous county employees made Fairfax the subject of nationwide ridicule.

The organizer of the winter-shelter program in area churches is praising Connolly's decision. And the Christian Defense Coalition and homeless advocates have called off a protest in which volunteers planned to bake cookies in home kitchens and deliver them to homeless shelters around the county. [WTOP]

Russia Says It Sends All Polonium-210 to US

Good ol' Russia.... When things get rough, you know, when a former KGB spy eats two California rolls sprayed with nuclear waste -- and all fingers point to the Kremlin -- what do they do? They blame someone else. Sort of.

Russia's nuclear chief is now saying that all Polonium-210, the tasty radioactive spice added to the now-deceased Alexander Litvinenko's sushi, is shipped to the US. The absurdity of this tragicomic "assassination" becomes, well, more tragicomically absurd daily...

The head of Russia's state atomic energy agency Rosatom, Sergei Kiriyenko, told the government daily Rossiiskaya Gazeta that Russia produces only 8 grams of Polonium 210 a month.

"All this amount goes to U.S. companies through a single authorised supplier, Tekhsnabexport company," the newspaper quoted Kiriyenko as saying.

Kiriyenko refused to say how polonium was produced, but said nuclear reactors like the Russian RMBK or the Canadian CANDU were needed to make it.

"In Russia all nuclear reactors, including those used for research, are government property tightly controlled by federal authorities," he said. [Reuters]

Billy Idol Punishes World via Christmas Album

Dying for a late-night laugh? Read this: Billy Idol is attempting to resuscitate his flaccid career by releasing a Christmas album.

If you thing that's funny, try watching The Idol's gladsome rendition of "White Christmas" via the video on the right. If you can make through the entire performance without chuckling, I'll pay you five bucks.

From Buzzle.com:

Billy Idol's website states: "A Billy Idol Christmas album is one of those ideas so profoundly wrong; it's right - so deeply uncool that, in the end, it's strangely cool." Well, having watched Idol sing White Christmas on YouTube, we can confirm it is neither right, nor cool. He sings it straight, in a suit next to a Christmas tree and backed by what sounds like someone on your grandma's Yamaha. Idol says he would always be stoned at Christmas in the 70s and 80s, but now hosts a big family get-together in LA every year. For all you children out there, Christmas is "not about hammer and tonging it. Christmas is about the fireside. It's about family."